The Discovery Phase…

Ok… Full disclosure. For the first time in a long time, I think I’ve written, deleted and then rewritten this post three, no… four times including this pass at it.

I’m typically a bit of a “go with your first draft” kind of writer because of the raw nature of it all. The writing seems to come more from your gut and less from that state of trepidation you have after you hit “send” or “publish”. But this particular post has been handcuffed to that part of the ribcage that’s close to the heart.

You know that place. It’s where the ribs have tiny cracks from a heart that beats hard for so many reasons, if only keep you alive so can see how this big grand story ends.

So let’s give this a go shall we?

This blog has taken an interesting turn in the last year. I’m suddenly way more introspective and seeking, rather than assured and jaded. A lot has changed in my life and it’s been interesting to see what has shaken out of what is shaping up to be quite the rediscovery. Most of this I think has come from a body that’s finally starting to weather, parents that are visibly aging, and opportunities (both serendipitous and manufactured) finding me rather than me chasing them and previous affirmations not being as solid as I originally thought they were.

Not doubt, it’s been a lot to wade through. But I seem to be getting there.

The body end of things has been the most obvious one for me so I’ll start with that one first. High school excluded, I’ve always been of the volition that our bodies are merely vessels that carry whatever we are around, providing a conduit for us experience this life we wake up to everyday. Vanity has never been a strong suit for me so, in hindsight, when I look back at how I’ve treated my body I’m ashamed to say that I should’ve done better. Way better. More physical activity, eating healthier, something other than a desk job, you name it… my life decisions weren’t the brightest as far as my body is concerned. I’m not beating myself up, the past’s long gone, but I am hoping that I still have enough sense to enjoy this body I’ve been given. So for the last few months I’ve followed Mel’s lead and wandered back into the local yoga studio and it’s done wonders for me! I’m more conscious of every inch my body than I ever have been and I feel for the first time that I’m actually saying “thank you!” to my body rather than taking it for granted.

It’s also healed some emotional wounds as well, so if your looking to be realigned in more ways than one, I suggest yoga. Bar none, I’ve figured out more shit on my yoga mat than I have in years of simply being angry at the world.

On my parents. What can I say? They are finally getting “old”. Its always amazing and somewhat difficult to see the people who made you who you are, age significantly and visibly. I’m not sure when this vision of them in my head changed, but in last year I’ve realized that, just like me, they won’t be here forever. It gets you thinking about time and how everything has a final page waiting patiently to be turned. My time with them has been filled with ups and downs, but rather than focus on bad times, I really just want my remaining time with them to count. I’ve been applying the same theory to all of my relationships actually, but especially with my parents. No doubt, it can sometimes be a challenge but I’m finding more and more that it’s worth it if you have the energy to invest. Some do, some don’t.

Am I a good son? A good brother, uncle, nephew? A good friend? I have no idea. But it is becoming more and more important for me that when I lay down at night I am able to say “Today? Today I did my best.” Somedays I fail miserably at this, but being more cognizant of it has helped a lot.

That and the occasional deep cleansing breath ;).

The last two, opportunities and affirmations, both kinda spring from the same well so I’ll just say this: it’s somewhat crushing and liberating when you realize that you were really full of shit about quite few things in your life. This has been happening a lot to me of late and while it’s incredibly easy (not to mention safe) to laugh off the notions of your past self, I recommend giving then a good look square in the eyes, smile and say goodbye. When they go for the obligatory handshake brush it aside and give them each a big hug. At one time each of those ideas about life came from pure place, they all deserve at least that much.

Which brings me to the whole point of everything written above. The act of accomplishing everything above has made me discover something I’ve kept buried so deep inside of myself that I honestly didn’t think I had it in me at all. That thing is the key to just about every second you will spend on this gigantic rock hurtling and spinning through space.

That thing is love.

I’m not talking about the Hollywood cliche either. I’m talking about that Herculean attempt to apply what makes you happy to everything. And this includes yourself. Especially yourself. If you can find it in you, you’ll be shocked at how many other places you’ll find it.

At the end of the day, it’s homework for all of us to hand in. Whether we like it or not. I know the lessons can be a bitch sometimes, but do your best.

I know I am.

2 thoughts on “The Discovery Phase…

  1. Tad, I really like this, especially the paragraph about saying goodbye to your past selves. This is not easy for me, but a great visual for a necessary (and presumably ongoing) step. And – I guess somewhat like you – I have a difficult time moving past the sad to locate that inner happiness sometimes. But in talking with Mel, one of the exercises she mentioned that I like is to identify what you are feeling in the moment, just name it – and then, I think, apply the principle of meditation, which is to acknowledge it and let it go. All of which is easier said than done of course, but I think naming feelings and naming parts of processes makes it easier to proceed along the journey.

    • Yes, it is very tough, in fact I’d say this is the biggest time consumer for me. But, for me anyways, it has to happen. At least eventually, and in some form.

      That said, I also believe there are some things that we are so emotionally bound to, that it could possibly take a lifetime to let go. It’s all a process and big one at that, but I think it’s a worthwhile one.

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