(Warning! – Diary-type post ahead!)
For the bulk of my life I’ve tried to keep an equilibrium in my head. I learned at a fairly early age that being reactionary rarely gets you anything where the end result is optimal or productive. It always ends up with both parties trying to lessen the “drama” through compromise. So I’d sit and I’d observe for a bit, then I’d formulate a plan of action that, hopefully, benefits both parties. My objective would get met and, at the very least, no one walks away inconvenienced or worse, pissed.
This process of dealing with just about everything has developed a ton of habits that have nourished incredible relationships and love. Because of it, I’ve floated down this crazy river of life mostly unscathed. I’m certainly not perfect. For a variety of reasons I won’t go into here, I can never achieve that “tranquil sea” in my head that we all read about (though I’ll always try). I think it’ll always be dark, deep and perpetually turbulent. But what I can do is make sure that any situation that has to do with me, is as fair and just as possible.
As I said above this works for the bulk of the time but every once and a while, everyone’s indifference and self-serving agendas mount a full on attack on my day and if this assault keeps up for a few days my walls begin to crumble.
The last two weeks definitely did that to me, and I have to admit: I really let it all get the best of me. I hate wallowing, but I totally went there, short on everything (mostly patience) and really downtrodden (lots of “WTF am I doing with my life right now?!” being thrown around).
A whole range emotions were involved but in the end, frustration started kicking in. I know better than to let these types of situations affect me like this, so whenever this funk clouds my judgement, I check myself. It’s really hard to do because it makes you stop and rewind back through it all. But in the end, I recognize where my weakness was and I emerge from it all a little bit stronger. I never spend significant time beating myself up or criticizing, I just accept the bump in the road and motor on.
So while I hate it when anything unimportant (in the grand scheme of things anyways…) get’s to me, I’ve also learned to welcome the resolution to it all. Yes, the slog through it is hellish, but the punchline (trust me, what I dealt with was ultimately a joke) is a great thing to realize and leave behind.